When we first saw this clip from a Japanese game show, we thought, “Wow, this old dude has no idea how to slip ‘n’ slide over of a bunch of oiled-up, bikini-wearing girls.” We should know, we do this at our company picnic every July 4th. But then we examined his technique and realized that he doesn’t give a shit about the game show, he’s taking his time to slowly grab each and every one of them. We tip our hat to you, Mr. Dirty Old Man on a Japanese Game Show.

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If you fall into one of these Internet stereotypes, kindly choke on your caps lock key.

The IMDB message board name-dropper
Sites affected: IMDB. Also popular on other movie and music sites.
We love IMDB for its ridiculously thorough catalog of TV and movie knowledge, but stepping into their forums is like walking into a video store with a million pretentious and insecure clerks behind the counter that cast judgments on your taste in movies. But by far the worst part is the throng of unconnected schlubs who do nothing but mention how they don't agree with some of the choices Marty made in The Departed, or how they can appreciate how Quentin and Robert must feel about the general public not understanding the three-hour inside joke they called Grindhouse.

The people who post "FIRST!!1!" in every comment thread
Sites affected: Perezhilton.com, Break.com, just about any site with comments.
Making a post like this is basically like coming right out and saying, "I have nothing better to do than sit at my computer and wait for someone to update this blog." What's worse is when a bunch of people get in on the act and the first 10 comments on each post are the same useless word. In fact, if this article gets posted anywhere with comments (we don't have them for a reason) some smart guy will try to pull this. You can be sure that that person has never seen the bathing suit area of the opposite sex.

The guy that gives something everyone loves a one-star review
Sites affected: Amazon.com, any site where grumpy users are allowed to write reviews.
A world where everyone completely agreed on every subject would be boring, but it might be slightly better than our current world in which contrarian blowhards can't resist the call of the one-star review button. Check out this example on Amazon.com. Irate user, Jabber, is mad because the characters on South Park are badly drawn. Is it a valid point to be made? Maybe. Is it reason enough to go on a public forum and rant like a maniac? Probably not.

PeOplE ThaT Typ3 lIKE ThIS
Sites affected: Craigslist.com, eBay.com, any site where 13-year-olds are allowed to type.
We can understand ignoring some grammar, punctuation and capitalization for the sake of laziness, but typing like that travesty of a headline actually takes longer than just typing normally. Just think about how much you have to use your friggin' pinky. Plus, you have to factor in all the time it takes thinking, "Should it be 'InSANe CloWN PoSsE' or 'INsanE ClOWn PoSsE'?" Add in these knuckleheads' tendencies to end everything with a Z and use words like "wut" and "dat" and you have the perfect method for making people think that you're a total asshole with nothing of any value to say. Unless you're on the My Chemical Romance forum, in which case you're golden.

Facebook poker
Sites affected: Facebook.com
You don't call people on the phone if you have nothing to say to them. You don't send your friends e-mails that are completely blank. So why would you poke someone using Facebook? It makes so much more sense to just send a message or, better yet, don't do anything. If poking was a real-life conversation, this is how it would go:
Some jack-off: Hey, I'm looking at Facebook.
Us: Oh. Cool, I guess.
Some jack-off: Yep.
Us: Did you have anything to tell us, or...
Some jack-off: Nope, just poking you.
Us: Fuck this, we're going to lurk professional sports cheerleaders that are well above the legal age of consent (let's see you take issue with that, lawyers) on MySpace.

The guy that posts, "This is old" or "Not news"
Sites affected: Tech blogs, Digg.com, Fark.com
When you work in a field as timely as technology reporting, getting scooped is a bad feeling. What's worse is the feeling of getting called out for being late on something by a guy who has nothing better to do than get fatter and check japanesecellphonesnoonehaseverheardof.com 200 times a day. If you're so up on your shit, why not start a news site and get in on some of that sweet Google AdSense money? Because you have too much integrity? Probably not. Because you're too busy getting fatter and watching Battlestar Galactica? That sounds more like it.

The MySpace comment beggar
Sites affected: MySpace
Believe it or not, almost no one is as excited about the picture you took of yourself in the bathroom mirror—holding your arms above your head so you look a lot thinner, of course—as you are. Sending a bulletin begging for people to comment on it is just going to make them even less pumped. If you're dissatisfied with the amount of love that your MySpace page gets, you're either a person whose friends prefer traditional methods of communication or a completely insecure douche with lots of huge, sparkly word GIFs all over your page.

Useless forwarder of urban legends and chain letters
Sites affected: E-mail, MySpace, Facebook
We can deal with the endless amounts of penis enlargement and bank notification spam we get every day, but getting a useless and often completely ludicrous message from someone we were nice enough to trust with our e-mail address is a betrayal of the most heinous variety. No, Mars is not going to appear as big as the moon in the sky tonight. No, my crush's name will not appear if I send this message to 10 people. No, I don't want your inbox-clogging bullshit making us just that much dumber.

Grammar sticklers
Sites affected: Every site with words.
We've already expressed our distaste for purposely nonsensical typing practices, but you can be sure that you'll never find us going online to criticize people about dangling a participle every now and again. We barely expect the average Internet commenter or message board poster to be able to finish Green Eggs and Ham, let alone know the difference between further and farther.

—Stuff Magazine.com 

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Yeah, sure, it's nice to arrange all of the best in neat little lists. But, please, proceed with caution. Presenting the lists that had us screaming at our inanimate monitors for a whole two days until we stopped caring.

MOVIES
TIME, Top 10 Movies of 2008
Why It Sucks: We get it, Wall-E was a great movie. While we didn't include it in our lists because of its appeal to people outside of the demographic, we understand how Time can give it the nod for best of '08. However, we do take exception to some glaring ommissions, like The Dark Knight, questionable additions, like Speed Racer at No. 9, and the writeup for their No. 2 movie, Synecdoche, New York: "...you'll want to argue with it, spank it, take it home or give it some Xanax." Whoa, whoa, whoa Time: We're still rounding first base.

NOW PUBLIC, Top 10 Movies of 2008
Why It Sucks: Not only does this one begin with a cop-out, earmarking No. 10 for any movie being released after Dec. 15 in Canada, it's chock full of movies we'd love to take 'round the back of Maxim HQ and give them the what-for. Once again, The Dark Knight gets the cold shoulder, along with all superhero movies and all of the summer rated-R comedies. In their place, they suggest Heima (No. 9), which IMDB says hasn't even been released in the States, and snorefests in Patti Smith: Dream of Life (No. 7), Waltz With Bashir (No. 6) and The Fall (No. 5).

SLATE, Top 10 Movies of 2008
Why It Sucks: Ah, yes, no top 10 list would be complete without an appearance from the crowd of scribal shit stains. Articles on Slate usually have the unique ability to both inform and insult readers and their film critic's picks for the best of '08 doesn't disappoint. Notable omissions include The Dark Knight and Slumdog Millionaire (because, obviously, anything done outside of the U.S. is terrorist propaganda) and the writer goes out of her way to implicitly tell you that she is 17 times better than you with inclusions like The Class, The Edge of Heaven, and Frozen River. You just wouldn't understand see, these are "little-seen" films, for people who, you know, have culture and stuff.

NPR, David Edelstein's Top 10 Movies of 2008
Why It Sucks: The No. 1 selection from Mr. Edelstein had our Managing Editor remark in a very pointed and loud manner toward my face: "I don't want to live in a world where people enjoy this movie." Rachel Getting Married beat out everyone's favorite beeping trash can, Wall-E, and nine other movies you will probably never see because you enjoy your life.

ORLANDO SENTINEL, Top 10 movies of 2008
Why It Sucks: Poor Roger Moore. He's got "20 to 25" films that could've made his top films of the year list, yet he opted to choose four great ones (Slumdog Millionaire, Milk, WALL-E, In Bruges) and six that'll have your testicles running for cover, including the aforementioned Rachel Getting Married. And, of course, The Dark Knight (the consensus No. 1 movie of '08) fell juuuuust short.

LOS ANGELES TIMES, Top 10 of 2008
Why It Sucks: We wouldn't have qualms with a list full of great foreign films if the domestic selection was subpar. But, this year's stock of comedies, dramas, and yes, even blockbusters, should've given critics enough to go nuts about. Not for an LAT writer, who shoehorned in a disproportionate six films from outside of the U.S., and none of them were called Le Dark Knight.

GAMES
FIDGIT, The Top 10 Games of 2008
Why It Sucks: Yeah, holy shit. I don't even know where to start with this one. Dubious inclusions like Midnight Club Los Angeles (over Burnout Paradise?) and Saints Row 2 (over GTA IV?) are just the tip of the iceberg. Far Cry 2 topping the list is a bit surprising, but respectable as it was a graphically beautiful and plain-old-fun experience. But, surrounding it with steaming piles of virtual dog shit like The Club and the Diablo-series clone, Sacred 2, is just bad advice.

WIRED, Top 10 Games of 2008
Why It Sucks: We get that 2008 was one of the hardest years to categorize games into lists because of the crazy good selection. But, not including Metal Gear Solid 4, almost a lock for best graphics, and Gears of War 2, for its shear ass-ripping action, you're really doing a disservice. Also, while LittleBigPlanet was the consensus chic pick of the year, it, in retrospect, deserves a back seat to more entertaining, non-time-consuming-to-the-point-of-exhaustion games like Fable II, which for some reason doesn't even get a mention.

TRUSTED REVIEWS, Top 10 Games of 2008
Why It Sucks: Here's what the author wants you to know. The only Wii game worth owning last year was a rehash of all of its previous 5,000 iterations (Mario Kart Wii). The best racing game was a simulation that is done better in Forza Motorsport and Gran Turismo (GRID). And the best game was one with a great singleplayer, but a flawed and underutilized co-op experience (Fable 2). Then, the he tries to cover up at the end with verbal diarrhea (dis)honorably mentioning MGS4, Dead Space and Burnout Paradise with the disappointing Spore.

LIVEMINT, Top 10 Games for 2008
Why It Sucks: I must admit that one of my first forays into gaming was Zork, a text-based game that asked you to type directions at a prompt and figure out puzzles by reading very carefully. But, if we are to be completely honest with readers, there is no possible way you can include a text-based game in a best games of 2008 list. 2008, damn it! But Krish Raghav does, and while it's quite noble for him to do so, forgive us for laughing at him in whatever virtual capacity we are capable of doing so. He goes on to include a flash-based game, Oiligarchy, and rank Gears of War 2 and Resistance 2 as a tie, which is blasphemous in and of itself. I mean, he is the author and, thusly, is allowed to break that tie any way he chooses. Flip a coin or something, dude.

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We had a hard time turning away from the train wreck that was CNN's New Year's Eve celebration, but finally we landed on ESPN to watch Robbie Maddison jump his motorcycle more than 120 feet in the air and land on top of a 96-foot-tall replica of the Arc de Triomphe in Las Vegas. And that was only half of the jump. Then he dropped off the Arc and fell more than 50 feet to a massive landing ramp below. Holy shit! Our asses are still puckered up from watching this stunt, and trust us, we’ve done some pretty sweet jumps in our day.

Highlights: Well, the jump. But also the laughable digital recreations of “what would happen if Robbie doesn’t make his mark” that preceded the jump. If he comes up short? He’s dead. If he jumps too far? He’s dead. If he gets a mid-air boner. He's dead!
Low point: His freaked out girlfriend. Will someone please give her some Valium next time?

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Ho, ho—ugh. Forget it. Not even going to try to to get into the holiday spirit. It's negative five degrees outside, there are fifty thousand e-mails in my inbox and we're getting pitches for Fox TV shows called Bitches. I wish I was kidding. So, let's look back at the good times this year, the moments when the standard of living for all guyhood was raised a teensy bit. Whether it was the introduction of sexy girls, the dumping of material girls, or just old faces getting their due, 2008 may have been the best year ever for guys. Need a refresher course? Take a look:

Guy Ritchie gets rid of Madonna and gets $76 million.

Paul Krugman wins Nobel prize in Economics.

The world was introduced to the Wii Fit Girl.

David Letterman calls out Spencer Pratt.

Sarah Palin is chosen as GOP VP nominee.

Bill Gates retires from Microsoft.

Scientists may have found the female G-spot.

Great, now vote! If you want to throw angry words at us for leaving something out, feel free to use the comments box below.

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